In the mind of madness

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

(Thank Celebrim for this song)

Some keep a journal, written notes. Notes decay, journals can be lost or read. I need neither. Within the halls and vaults of my mind is my library. It is another trick, a gift learned young. Memories 'written' as books. I can go here when I wish, to pull down any volume I wish and see what I have written. From the start I remember being taught this, made to seperate my mind. Not all can do it. I believe it may be in part my blood or in part the magic.

My mother, having me keep track of many things simultaneously, forcing my mind to grow. Over and over. She kept it a game at the time, one I was happy to play because it made her happy. She was so pleased at how quickly I accomplished the tasks she set. I lived only to make her smile, that was my life then. Then she was gone. The game became survival. I did not forget the lessons nor did I stop learning them. I hope she still smiles more often than she does not.

It is odd, to in essence stand in one part of your mind and look into another, like looking through the window into someone elses life. There are many parts to the whole. I can move among them, with concentration. What I tell Edorenel is meditation. Standing now, I can see the damage that has been done to me. I can see what my sister sees when she looks in my eyes and recoils. I can see what stalks much of my mind and nearly brings Keissi to tears. Only like this can I see it as others see it.

I can look and see the worry coiled in another corner, the part already mourning Drakne, much of my mind walks carefully there, not looking, avoiding contact. Not even aknowledging it. Howling and screaming through much of my mind is a creature born of blood and vengeance, madness and war. It saw the fall of my family, my mother turned to a shadow upon a wall. It was there to endure my torture. It was there to find Tsi-nar dead in the clearing. It claws and rages, it is necesary and has served me well, it comes to the fore and his killed countless of those who have hunted me, without mercy, without remorse. But as anything, the more it feeds the more it craves. It was there when I took the souls of the men who tortured me, delighted in it as it broke me a little.

OVer there, is a nothing but a soft gentle laughter, a kind voice. Sometimes it is seen as a bubble of light. That is what my mother saw when she named me the gentlest among our family. It follows in the wake of the creature, always trying to soothe, to calm. Sometimes singing. It drifts off now behind the creature.

So many rooms and corridors, I could walk for days and never see them all. Though time is relative here. I have come to see if anything can tell me of the poisons affecting my nephew and my love. Qisa, already volumes have been filled with her. Tiny yet so full of life, now she lays, unwaking her condition worsening. So soon after Tsi-nars loss, I never thought to find someone, but I realize now, I had already found her but had not realized it. To lose her now would mean I would lose myself. I can see from where I am, how close I truly am to stepping passed a line I can never uncross. Once I leave this part of my mind, all parts become one again. This clarity becomes mixed once more until I return here again.

I will find a cure. I have to. Or I will cease to be who I am. I will become nothing but a creature of blood and vengeance, madness and war. I am already too close.

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

I stand again in the quiet of my mind while a storm rages around me. Only here can I see all of it as it is. For want of a glass of wine all my doubts and fears spilled out as it did upon the carpet. The red stains matched the taint of my tears as they fell upon Edorenels shoulder, my soul quaking as my body did under the onslaught of emotion.

A single touch of a caring hand, undoing my control. Even the creature of blood seems subdued today, touched by the outpouring. The ravening through my mind seems more habit than purpose. Qisa's words some time ago, allowed me cleansing grief, to mourn. This was different. It was needed.

 For a while now I have felt I stand alone against the coming darkness. One has already fallen. Two lie possibly close to death. Both I have come to love but in vastly different ways. One is family. The other so much more. I will not lose another, I will not lose another family. One is enough. Another will break me. I will then join the beast and be lost.

I am not alone. Not truly. Yet I am still responsible. I lead, they are my charges. Mother has been gone from us so long, Lillith and Ronno have their children to care for, I would do the same were I them. Valendrial has many things afoot. Me, I have family and clan. I feel I am failing them. The hunters plague us, a war of attrition Ronno has called it and he is right. They die but we are weakened every time. Immortals and their arrogance, we can die, do they not get it? We had a funeral for one just days ago and yet they do not get it. The night after, with little care three went out, all giving lip service to taking care. Arrogant. All three nearly did not return. Arrogance. It will be our final death.

I am guilty of arrogance as well, not the same kind. Here now, in the quiet of my mind I can see it. The arrogance of thinking I can do it all on my own. That it is upon me to do it all. I see all those whom I can count upon. Those I cannot. But again once I leave here, some impressions will remain but the clarity will fade.

Drakne and Qisa, they must be saved. To save them is to save myself. I know this. As I note this I can see the beast, it stops and looks at me grinning. It wants me to fail, for then it will be free, forever. If I fail, woe be to those who hunt us. They will know death like none on Nirn have ever known. The beast begins to laugh showing me how to do it. It should sicken me, but I find myself grinning along with it....

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

Qisa sleeps, as does Drakne, well perhaps less sleep than unconscious. In her way Daelyn does as well she is elsewhere, looking, seeking trying to save them. She calls me the beast, she thinks me mindless, a creature of rage and blood. Of that, she is right. I am more than that though. I am needed. I will do what must be done. What needs be done.

Born the day our house fell, the day our mother became a shadow upon the wall, I awoke in tears and loss. I was needed then, I have always been needed. Our mother was right, she was the gentlest among them. While all has it's place, gentleness would have served no good in those first years, we would have become another corpse among many.

In the years that followed, they came again and again, picking among the corpses, hunting, knowing they had not gotten their prize. Knowing it had been spirited away. That is when Ceyenaga was truly begun. Only a child but so deadly, flitting among the rubble, her song a death knell, it was me that covered her. Allowed her to return to the tower able to still weep to her mother. To weep for her loss.

I was born in in tears and loss and was needed. I always will be. For she must remain the gentlest among them.

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

The light sings, it fills the vaults of my mind. It is so bright. The beast glowers at it, as it continues its restless pacing about, always moving. The light does not care, it never seems to. It sings, full of hope. Edorenel thinks she has found a cure. She gave it to Drakne last night and his body did not instantly reject it as it did the last. I too have hope.

 My body lays with Qisa, holding her as she sleeps. Her body shuddering occasionally. From pain or dream I cannot tell. My mind is here, within myself I am tempered in my hope, I cannot help but feel this is too simple. The words Qisa spoke of what the hunter said. "Kill to cure" she said the one who said it was beaten nearly to death...Or to death, she was unclear, but so was she at the time she heard them. This does not feel to me like it is right.

Here comes the light now, drawn to my doubts, it does not like doubts to cloud any place it can see. It radiates hope, it is beauty, it is gentleness. It sings to me of all of that. I fall into it for now, needing a respite.

It was curiosity that had brought her to this place, at this time. This great tree. What seemed like a small piece of her home so far away. She had spotted the tiny elf kneeling.......

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

I had thought he understood, I knew he understood. He preyed upon it himself when he hunted our kind. He stood with me and lectured others on it beside me. We spoke of it together by the water. I should never have underestimated the stubborness of a Nord, stubborn enough to ignore himself.

He walked from the relative safety of the castle, beside the one I now know without a doubt he loves. Arrogance. He went because she had said yes to marrying him, because that happiness could stop a hunters bolt? Arrogance. That affirmation of life could stop a final death? Arrogance. He took her after risking everything to protect her, to hide her, to keep her safe. Arrogance. He left her side, to stay away from one he loved to protect her, yet he thought to expose her to hunters that have killed one of us already, nearly killed him, nearly killed Qisa? Arrogance.

I have said over and over that it will be our undoing, it will be our death. I thought he understood, I thought he had listened. I thought he respected me enough to abide by this....This, was my arrogance....

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

*A soft glint of light and a whispered song precedes the globe of light.*

Hope, care, gentleness are such fragile things. Love, concern, empathy are ethereal.

My song carries all of these. She knows my song, but she no longer remembers from where, she is not ready to. She sings too, but her's has been so filled with blood, with survival for so long. She still sings to protect, at first to protect a home lost, the memories and place of her family. Now she sings to protect a family found anew, one I could never have imagined for her, yet it is one I would have been proud of. As I am of her.

I am the song of her mother, Shanala T'naersal, my shadow was not the only thing left behind upon the wall of my home. I left behind a daughter and my song. In time, when she is ready. She will know my words for what they truly were meant. To remember what happened here. She will remember my song. She will sing it again.

Love, so ethereal, but perhaps the strongest of all things.

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

Once more I walk the vaults of my mind. What we though was a cure, was little more than a reprieve. I see the toll this takes on Edorenel. We had all hoped it was over, her perhaps more than all because she had worked so hard to find a way. Qisa and Drakne have both slipped into unconsciousness now. The beast rages about my mind howling for blood. I would set it loose upon something but I do not even know what. It has slipped it's bounds more than once in a few ways now. The toll showing in my words, my actions. Snapping at friends and family. Some deserved, some I am no longer sure.

Even the lights song seems subdued. Perhaps it is only my own perception of it. It is light and hope but I find no comfort there. Mother has said I have days before she takes matters in her own hands. I have seen enough of this poison to be almost certain that will be fatal. I know not what will happen when that time comes but I am loathe to think of it.

This poison, I rarely know fear, but it scares me. I have not told any, but I know with certainty, should any reach my blood, my flesh. I would be dead outside an hour. Not from the poison, but the crystals contained in it. My sigils, my runes for all intents I am magicka. I am always touching it, in flux with it. Ever flowing and running through me. Should those reach my blood, they would activate from the moment they do. I would not have to fear slow death from poison. I saw Celebrims demonstration with the meat. That is the fate that would await me.

My hope is the slim leads we have in Asal-jo, the box Edorenel recovered, lead us somewhere, anywhere. We need something.

The light continues to sing, the beast roar. Funny, I never noticed before....They make a rather nice duet.

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

I left the castle with some hope. Keissi's information along with the finally opened boxes contents giving direction finally.

Hope, it is such a fragile and ephemeral thing. Even as my heart is lifted with it, crimson eyes weigh it down so heavily. Aside from Qisa, I had thought her happy with her mortal self. Confident in it. Content. We had spoke at length. I knew her heart or so I thought. The worry of years to come, to be by her Celebrim. I knew those choices did not have to be made for years, centuries, perhaps like me a millenia or more hence. Yet there she stood, pale, the hunger glittering in crimson eyes. Once so full of life, of warmth, mortal. No more. I see Tsi-nar in her. I see what Qisa may ask of me now. What she could want and gods help me I will not give. Perhaps never again.

I am what I am because I had no choice left before me, no choice worth taking. I would not spend my days a lich or something far worse. I ultimately understand her choice but not her timing. She said to me she had been a mortal so long she had forgotten. So long? An eyeblink even in the natural span of life allotted to bosmer. Not even that if Celebrim is any sort of mage. She would have had the years I had lived. Hundreds upon hundreds of mortal years, in the prime of her youth yet before her.

Hope, I had hoped she was stronger surer, I had hoped to see the light of life remain in her eyes for many years to come. Now, I will only see crimson and hunger. The light of death. Lattanaga.

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

Swirling emotion set the vaults of her mind spinning, 'books' fluttered about pages scattering, Daelyn sat amidst it, within herself. She sat cross legged, bent at the waist, head pressed to what passed in her mind as a floor. The beast raged about unchecked, the emotions setting it on edge. Within the depths of her mind the sleeper wailed in her slumber. All was in disarray and turmoil.

Only two places of calm seemed to remain, the light and the figure of Daelyn, still as stone amidst the rushing whirlwind. The light hovering behind her, it's singing soft and gentle. A caress upon her mind. It was the same voice that sang with hers the night of the shadow. It had always been there, only at one time it had been outside of her, before the fall.

Before the fall, when she woke from a nightmare, it had been there to sing her back to slumber. When the loss of her father overwhelmed her, it had been there, tinged with it's own grief but gentle and soothing, still full of hope. In the hall before all she knew was lost, before the singer had become a shadow upon the wall, it was there. The song that wrought her haven amidst the ruins too, was bright and full of hope, even as the songstress became no more in a blaze of magicka.

It was there now, singing to the motionless figure with her head upon the floor, a position mirrored by her body in the manor. Neither moving, as still as death.

In a motion, within her mind and without, she snapped upright head back with her arms out to the sides. Her back arching with the power of the scream that issued forth. It was not a harsh or ragged scream, but one single pure sustained note, the volume immense. Power rose in the note stilling everything in her mind, papers froze in mid air. Even the beast stopped, sinking to it's haunches. The note continued, long past the point others would have lost their breath. The light joined it's voice to hers, a duet, haunting as it issued from one throat.

Her body in the manor mirrored it all, the wards around the castle resonating with the release. Despite the volume, it would not be painful, even to Qisa sleeping mere feet away. As quickly as it began, it stopped. The air seemed charged in the stillness that followed, the wards rang for a few more moments like a struck gong, an echo of the note.

"I am Daelyn T'Naersal, daughter of Shanala T'Naersal. I had forgotten the voice of my mother, her song. No more. Her song is mine, her voice is with me. The voice of my family, our song."

The light spoke, for the first time to her then. "I am proud of you daughter. I had never thought when I did as I did, the road would be so long, the toll so great. I have walked it with you. I am not, nor have I ever been ashamed of you. Even as you took the life of your captors, you had no choice, our tenets were never meant to be a shackle. Only to prevent us from shackling others. You chose to live, as I chose you to live. Even if you walk in between life and death now I am here. I will always be here."

The light stopped, letting it's radiance bathe her, it's soft song soothe her before it continued. "You have one you call Mother now, I do not begrudge you that, you have family and one you have chosen to share all with. All things I had wished for you. You have a duty now, given you. You as I had once been, have become the matriarch of your family. I have faith in you to lead them. You are my daughter. Daelyn T'Naersal. Daelyn The Singer. As it always was and has always meant to be. You know my song, you have my voice. The song of our family."

With a hint of steel in it's voice it finished "They will bring comfort to the suffering, if only by their sound. Girded in them, in the armor of our sigils, those who seek to do you or those under your care harm shall fall like wheat before a blade. Woe be unto those who face the wrath of a singer of our line with death in their hearts."

With those last words, the light went back to it's gentle song, forever after it would never speak again.

Daelyn stepped from her mind and unlike other times, what she had found there stayed with her. She turned to look at Qisa laying in the bed, stroking her hair she crawled in with the tiny bosmer, not to sleep as she rarely ever did. But to just enjoy the peace of the night with one she cared for.

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

Once more within her mind she paced. Screams not her own echoing around her, cries of a dying mind. Calling for her help. Once more she arrived too late, saw that mind shatter and come apart, felt it with her own, tried to hold it, comfort it. Be there for it. Over and over it played out. There was some comfort in what came after, helping her come back to herself, finding she was trusted with the key to what was left of her soul, her mind, her self. She had known what could be and had prepared, leaving it with her.

She continued to pace, replaying all of it. Comforting her when she was little more than an animal, holding her as she wept for all she had lost. Crying with her. The awe and humbling emotion when she said she was as a mother to her. Tucking her into slumber when she fell asleep among the books of her home. The shine of joy of the knowledge she was gaining. Sharing with her the 'key' to her home so she may come and go as she pleased. Then, she was gone. No longer among her books, no longer in her tower. Her touch upon the warding elusive like a ghost, alive but gone.

Back around to the beginning it started, the screams again in her mind and they all started with one man hammering at Ria's mind. Archaous. Returned yet again, for reasons he cannot even explain when asked plainly. Other memories flashed now, warm blood of her chosen sister Lillith in her hands, covering the as yet unborn Ka'zuto in a comforting ward as she caused her untold pain to heal her of the wounds he caused. Pain flashed to pain, Celebrim clawing at the carpet, eyes wild, voice raised in a hoarse scream as she healed his hand from the damage wrought by the same man. The thanks she recieved almost as painful. The stark bruises upon Keissis neck from fingers about his throat, face beaten. A dagger driven at her own stomach, a blade held at her throat more than once. Memory to memory she went of the harm he had caused. The threats, the attacks.

Back again, for what purpose? He begs to be killed and I will be damned if I will give him that easy comfort. I will make him suffer centuries living with all he has done. Perhaps I will give him all that plays in my mind, fill his head with the screams of his harm, make him walk amongst it until the end of days and it will not be enough. Or perhaps, only her eyes, looking at him with trust and love as he destroyed her.

I believe in redemption, I believe in a persons ability to grow beyond what they are. I have to believe it. He speaks of being in darkness too long, having seen to much death, having dealt too much. I would call him out on this, he chose to wallow in it, to lose himself rather than face it and walk above it. We have all lost, we have all been part of death. Some more than others. Only he has chosen to be as he is. I look around and see the faces of the dead, hear them. I can walk my mind and count the dead one by one, stack them like cordwood. I can walk my home and point to the dozens of places where my family fell. I can go to the nursery, the dust of my sister still lies in her cradle where she was slain. Do not talk to me of loss and point to it as an excuse for your actions. We have all felt loss, every damn one of us.

What makes one worthy of redemption, of second, third or more chances, is to accept what has passed, own it, learn from it, do not use it as an excuse. Then make damned sure you do not repeat it.

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

Alone within myself once again, words echoing through my mind "I am unworthy of you" words spoken before one I cared for went to her death. The last I heard her speak in life. Qisa spoke them to me tonight. The pain echoing with them. Qisa is strong, independant, what the poison has done to this, is killing her more surely than the physical effects.

She is Anyammiscyr, the life of my heart. Seeing her despair is killing me as surely as if I was poisoned. I have lost one family already. I will not lose another. I will die seeing those who threaten torn asunder in a final glorious song of death before I will let that happen. I know the song, I see it lurking. It is a song that can only be sung once. Once begun it cannot be undone. The true song of Ceyenaga, the Shadow of Death.

I had time only for rushed words as Archaous' showed up wounded, no time to speak to her beyond a few sentences. I feel her doubt in me, this wounds me as well. Erianaielle, little bee, can you not see? When one of the hive is hurt, threatened. The entire hive swarms to it's defense. They do not judge, they do not condemn, they do not expect more than it can give. They do not expect it to throw itself to it's death merely for deaths sake. When others are able, they protect, when it is able to again, it protects. That is the way of it.

If she should be lost to me, I will sing, I will sing my last song. It will be a glorious song. All written upon me will be unwrought, the legacy of my famliy poured into one final dance. None who stand before me in those moments will live. Then, I will join her in peace.

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

The children again. I still hear Ria's screams, they echo about my mind, they always will..

 I was born to protect one child, I am Ceyenaga, the beast. She has extended her care to this family. To protect her, I will protect them. I will come forward, I will do what needs be done so she can remain the gentlest among them.

I will hunt. I will protect. It is my purpose. It is what I was born for. Born in tears and blood. She will shed no more for family lost. I will see to it. Keissi, Annie. They will be protected. This family will be protected. I will bathe in his blood if I must. His soul will power her sigils if it needs be done. He will not harm them again.

Her eyes, not quite her own, glinting with dark purpose, she sings and hunts. Ceyenaga, The Shadow of Death stalks the land in search of her prey.

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

Resting once more within myself. Most is calm. The light singing its quiet song down the halls of my mind.

It is so quiet, the family I know scattered. My sister not been seen but once in months. Valendrial a new sister of the blood, not by her choice. Forced upon her. The knowledge of how it happened still grating upon me. The beast snuffles then roars as those thoughts chase themselves around.

I feel it is the calm before a coming storm. The hunters never put down only retreated after the last battle. We are weak, too many focused outwards. No longer focused within, with the family. I fear for our safety.

One threat was finally removed, hunted and ended. With the help of Lillith, my sister. Archaous was destroyed. Death was too good, destruction too easy but he could not be left to cause any more damage. Ria, Anewaenyth both fell victim to his manipulations, their minds violated. So many others hurt by him, Celebrim, Lillith while Keissi was hurt and forced to carry a part of his essence.  Essence torn free and feeds my sigils now. Destroyed. He was a threat from within us.

Never again will I stay my hand when I know within my deepest self the threat, the danger someone even within the family could cause. Never again. My voice will rise and I will end it.

I rest, my energy at it's peak. For I know, the longer the calm, the larger the storm.

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

Kneeling before the mirrors in her home, watching again the fall of her family, the end of her mother in a flash of eldritch light. Hearing the last words she speaks "Never forget."

She has forgotten. She has forgotten herself, she has forgotten the little girl whom her mother had called the 'Gentlest among them'. The Beast capers within her mind, necessary but uncontained. Ceyenaga tears at it's holds, even the song of The Light can barely calm it. Tears fall freely, leaving red tracks upon her cheeks as she sobs.

Nearly killing one who's only fault was stubbornness and protection of her own family. So much has passed, so much darkness has found her as of late, so many hurt or hurting and she is never fast enough to stop it, only able to try and pick up the pieces.

Too late, always too late. Keissi hurt in body and soul, over and over, she would raze the desert to black glass to keep him safe. What she would do to Tohma in the name of protecting Keissi would make Molag Bal pale.

Glory, gentle, beautiful Glory. One of the brightest hearts she has ever known, damaged in mind, body and heart. She was not there for her, did not even know what was happening. She knows from the faded marks upon her own body that in many ways match Glorys what she went through. She could not prevent it. Simply come in it's wake to offer words.

Her family threatened on every side, even in it's way by their matron. Gifts with costs, things that hunt her. Most in the name of her own power. She cares for the clan, in her own way. It simply is not clear for what purpose.

She has forgotten, she has forgotten her promises, she has forgotten how to protect, she has forgotten the face of her mother. She kneels and watches the fall of her house, her family, her siblings. Watches again her mother sacrificing all she is to protect her. Once more she hears her mothers words to never forget, the scream that tears from her throat echoes over many leagues. She will never forget again.

[Daelyn T'Naersal]

Kneeling quietly in her home, she closes her eyes to the mirrors around her, seeking the vast halls of her own mind. She has spent many days, weeks away from most, trying to find a center. Opening her eyes upon the library of her mind she instantly hears the soft singing of The Light, the ravening roars of The Beast. She knows the light, out there, in the world. Outside her mind. The Beast, she only suspects it's existence when she is not turned within. She has seen the looks directed at her, the fear.

I have lost my way. Anger and rage come so quickly to the surface. Fear as a tool, force as persuasion. Anger, fear, rage, all have their place. Where they have been wielded by me of late, is not it.

Turning and walking, she goes to the depths of her mind, the earliest memories. The earliest part of herself. A little girl, curled with a book, smiling as she turns the pages. A girl, running to her mother to show her what she has discovered. The tears as a wounded deer, head in her lap breaths it's last. She sits now, with this child, with herself, to learn again, to earn once more the title bestowed upon her by her mother.